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POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are the first released.
3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask if they woke you.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
9. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who enters the room.
14. You sing along with the elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate at predicting the weather than the National Weather Service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they won't remember them by tomorrow.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable number.
20. It takes longer to get up out of a chair than you spent sitting in it.
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
If you have a humorous story, poem, cartoon, or anything 
that you think will tickle the funnybone of your classmates,
please send it to us and we will try to publish it.
Over What Hill – I Don’t See Any Hill

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
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Just In Case You Need An Incentive …

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.  As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" 
"Don't be nervous, son.  Do your best and just remember - if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
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Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
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Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know WHY I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
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How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
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When you are dissatisfied and would  like to go back to youth, think about Algebra.
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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
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If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces.  
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
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PROGRESS - Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf.
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A WELL PLANNED LIFE????
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.  One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,  Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend.  "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Scroll DOWN
to see more humor . . .
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the senior center.
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
HYPNOTIST IN THE SENIOR CENTER
THE LIVING WILL

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and computer and threw out all of his beer.

He died 20 minutes later.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old lady in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies????  
Test for Dementia

Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....


Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)






First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?











Answer: If you answered that you are FIRST, then you are ABSOLUTELY WRONG! 
If you overtake the SECOND person and you take his place, you are SECOND!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
But don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the LAST person, then you are...?
(scroll down)





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Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? (unless, of course, you're running in the wrong direction!)

You're not very good at this, are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic!
Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....




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Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.....Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







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Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!


Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
Imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is made.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants?






















He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!


CHECK FOR A.A.A.D.D.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. 

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide
my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

----the car isn't washed,

----the bills aren't paid,
 
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

----the flowers don't have enough water,

----there is still only 1 check in my check book,

----I can't find the remote,

----I can't find my glasses,

----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

P.S. I just remembered.
I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!

New scooter
for seniors